Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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