yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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