I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
