Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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