why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
