Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
