I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
