I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
