Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
