gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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