someone threw a dead crab at me
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
