I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
