In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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