When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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