You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
