hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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