Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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