margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
