you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
