I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
