I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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