best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
