he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
