I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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