a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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