You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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