Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
