She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
