i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
