im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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