She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
