sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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