Princesses don't give blow jobs
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
