My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
