Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Damn victory sex feels great
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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