Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
