I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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