Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
