Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
