just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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