Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
