to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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