You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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