shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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