got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
