just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
