Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
