I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
