so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
