My hand turned me down
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Randomize
